double woodwork

woodwork, yesterday

The Woodwork Teacher

Dramatis Personae
Proctor, in his 50s
Sheriff and Collinson, boys of 14

ACT I
The woodwork room. End of the lesson.

Proctor. Right then lads, time to tidy up.
(pause)
Stand by your benches.
Sheriff, that's not your bench...

Sheriff. Sorry sir. It's just that Collinson has stolen the tenon saw I was using and has put it in his...

P. Silence, or we'll all be back after school.

Collinson. It's not me sir. It was Bowers who was using it last. He put the mortice chisel from bench number three in bench number six's cupboard and then Sheriff took the tenon saw and put it on Bowers' bench.

S. I never sir. It was Collinson sir. He took the tenon saw from bench number two when he saw that Bowers was chiseling and he didn't need it any longer.

P. Why didn't Bowers use the tenon saw from his own bench?

C. He was chiseling sir.

S. Sir, he was chiseling at the time.

P. Yes, Sheriff. I heard Collinson loud and clear the first time. We don't need a Parrot.

S. Sorry sir. I was just trying to help.

P. Yes, yes Sheriff. I'm sure you were.
(pause)
Very well. Which one of you is Bowers? Is it the new boy?

S. Bowers is very shy sir. He doesn't like to speak in class...

P. (Interrupting)... actually Sheriff, rather you mean to say that he doesn't like to speak in class for fear of ridicule from you and Collinson whilst you and Collinson are taking the Michael as usual don't you?

C. No sir. We would never do a such a thing sir. Especially not at the end of the lesson sir when everyone yourself included sir, just wants to go home. I was trying to help Bowers tidy up like you told us to do sir, but because he had the twelve inch jack-plane from bench number four and he was working at bench number two...

S. ... let me try to help you sir. Bowers had the mortice chisel from bench number three on his own bench and he forgot to put it back in bench number two's cupboard. Meanwhile, sir, Collinson had taken the twelve inch jack plane from bench number three and was on his way to putting it in its rightful place in bench number three's cupboard sir when you told us to stand by our benches sir...

P. But...

S. Do you spell mortice with a C or an S sir?

P. Look, I'm getting sick and tired of this stupid game at the end of every lesson. Sheriff and Collinson, SORT IT OUT NOW.

C. But Sheriff has a good question sir. What if it comes up on the o level theory exam next week sir?

etc. etc.